sunday songs - "i will not be still"

Every Sunday, I will post a video or audio track of a church-related song, whether it be a pretty arrangement of a hymn, an EFY song, or even an inspirational, Christ-centered song by a Christian group not affiliated with the church. Music has such an unbelievable power to change lives - it is through song that I feel the Spirit the strongest in my life, and I hope that as I share these songs you can feel the truth of the messages they teach.

This song has touched me ever since I first heard it as a child, and now, preparing to leave for the MTC this week, it has an especially poignant meaning for me. The Lord has given me this testimony, given me this knowledge, so that I can share it with others.

I saw a quote once that defined a missionary as "someone who leaves their family for a time so that others can be with their families for eternity." That is the purpose of missionary work - to bring happiness, everlasting life, and eternal salvation to individuals and families.

I feel so humbled to be a part of it.

farewell talk number one

Last Sunday, I gave the first of two farewell talks. This one was in my ward, the Maplewood Ward in Maplewood, NJ. I thought I'd share it here, since I wrote the entire thing out.

Can't wait to enter the MTC ONE WEEK from today!!

***

In September of 2014, Elder D. Todd Christofferson spoke at a CES devotional, entitling his address “Saving Your Life.” I remembered watching this at the time, and feeling the spirit. But in preparing for this talk, I stumbled upon it again – or, rather, the Lord threw it in my face because it was on the front page of LDS.org. I’d like to share some of his remarks with you as I try to put into words the thoughts and feelings I have regarding my choice to serve a mission, particularly at this time in my life.

He begins by bringing up this oft quoted verse of scripture: Matthew 10:39, which reads, “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.”

I’ve heard this saying my entire life, but never really fully understood it. But Elder Christofferson shared a quote that helped clarify the meaning of this scripture for me, and one that really resonated with my personal experience: “As the heavens are higher than the earth, God’s work in your life is bigger than the story you’d like that life to tell. His life is bigger than your plans, goals, or fears. To save your life, you’ll have to lay down your stories and, minute by minute, day by day, give your life back to him.”

I’ve always been kind of obsessed with my “story.” My parents will tell you that of all their kids, I’m probably (or definitely) the most dramatic, and I will admit that there have been times in my life when I have invented drama to make the world around me more interesting, even if I wasn’t entirely aware that that was what I was doing at the time. I watched so much TV, read so many books, and obsessed over so many plays that I expected my life to play out like one of them, and would emulate my favorite characters in my actions. I saw my own life as a story that had only been partially written, and I expected some loud, brilliant, awe-inspiring climax to be reached any day that would touch and inspire others on a large scale. So, basically I was your typical teenage girl who thought the world revolved around her, or one day would.

And I had ambitions. A lot of them. I was going to be the youngest American Idol (until Jordan Sparks won). I was going to be a world-famous actress who’d star in the hottest movies and travel to the most exotic places. When I was a Junior in high school, I also discovered this passion for writing, and then, between my world tours as a singer and my billion dollar movie deals and my stints on Broadway, I would be a best-selling author with fantasy books flying off the shelf as fast as Harry Potter. I’d win grammys, Oscars, emmys, tonys, and so much more. Oh, and even with all of that going on, I’d be a loving wife and devoted mother of a large family.

It sounds like a great story, doesn’t it? It was the story that I wrote for myself, the future that I saw moving forward. But then, practicality hit me in the face, and I realized that the chances of actually achieving this life were slim to none. So I came up with a back-up plan – I would be a theatre teacher. And then, during the summer, I’d pursue these other ambitions and dreams, ultimately achieving them.

I didn’t expect that teaching would become one of those ambitions in and of itself. But my senior year of high school, I was given a lot of responsibility over the extensive theatre program my teacher ran, and as I worked with my fellow students in that leadership role I found that I had never felt so fulfilled. And as I prayed about my future, I felt the spirit warm my heart at the thought of becoming a teacher. I knew it was what I was supposed to do with my life, and I was excited about it. My story for myself started to shift away from the glitz and glam and towards a more humble and yet still noble pursuit.

But even though I’d already felt the Lord give me direction – felt him help me write my story – I wasn’t thinking in terms of Him being in charge of the story. It was still my story, just with direction from the Lord to help give me clarity and confidence.

But that clarity and confidence was shattered when I wasn’t accepted into the Theatre Education program at BYU. I couldn’t understand it. I’d felt the spirit tell me to pursue this career, so I’d assumed that door would automatically be opened for me. It wasn’t.

I asked Heavenly Father if I should change majors – pursue a different field. He said no. I asked Heavenly Father if I should change schools. He said no. And it seemed like every time I tried to take control of “my” story, I would hit some sort of road block, keeping me from moving forward.

And then, something amazing happened – I experienced first hand a small taste of that quote from earlier, which I’ll repeat now: “God’s work in your life is bigger than the story you’d like that life to tell. His life is bigger than your plans, goals, or fears.” As I said, I’d had a lot of plans. I’d had a lot of goals. And I’d definitely had a lot of fears – particularly when the option to go to NYU for a graduate degree presented itself.

I’d never foreseen myself getting a masters degree, and from NYU no less. That simply wasn’t a part of “my” story. It was so much bigger than the story I’d written for myself – and it was the story that the Lord wrote for me.

He knew that, if I’d been accepted to the BYU Theatre Education program, I would have become certified immediately upon graduating and almost definitely wouldn’t have pursued further education. But as I’ve opened my mind and heart to the Lord’s story – and not my own – I’ve seen in my patriarchal blessing and the learning experiences I’ve had throughout my life that this path was always a part of the story that I am now living. But that story is definitely not “my” story.

So, why is this all on my mind just as I’m about to leave on my mission? Well, it’s the last part of that quote, really, the essence of what the scripture really means: “To save your life, you’ll have to lay down your stories and, minute by minute, day by day, give your life back to him.”

The Lord has taught me – the hard way, at times – that I needed to put aside my own stories in order to move forward. And not just for my personal advancement, but for those around me, and to strengthen my relationship with Him. He’s taught me trust, love, patience, forgiveness, and diligence, among many other things and many more that I am sure will come. And He’s taught me that, however hectic, busy, and stressful life becomes, somehow everything that needs to get done gets done when you put the Lord first.

One way that I’ve learned to put the Lord first is through my day-to-day interactions with those around me. Elder Christofferson also said in his talk: “Our lives should be a confession of Christ and, together with our words, testify of our faith in and devotion to Him.” Everything we do, everything we say, whether or not we are serving a full time mission, should reflect the name of Christ, which name we took upon ourselves when we entered the waters of baptism. And every step we take in our lives should be taken with His story in mind for our lives.

We’re told, when we’re making decisions and seeking for answers, to study things out in our minds, to exercise our agency. I am not suggesting that this is contrary to what Elder Christofferson was talking about here. The Lord won’t force His story upon us. But if our hearts are open, He will make it possible for us to achieve things much greater than any story we could have written for ourselves.

The next step in the story of my life is my mission to Arizona Gilbert, Spanish Speaking. It’s a big step. It’s a daunting step. And it’s a step that many of my colleagues and peers do not quite understand. I just finished my graduate degree, will very soon be officially certified to teach, and it doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense for me to disappear from the workforce for eighteen months immediately after finishing school.

Most people view it as a sacrifice, and while there are things that I am sacrificing – such as the opportunity to go to my sister’s wedding – it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. It feels like an opportunity. A scary opportunity in a lot of ways, but a sacred opportunity, and an exciting opportunity. I am grateful that I was able to listen to the spirit – to listen to the Lord’s story for me – and not listen to my fears telling me it wasn’t a sensible decision. And I’m grateful that I have supportive parents who had the faith and patience with me to support that decision, and to trust that I was following the Lord’s story for me and not just the story that I wanted my life to tell. And I know that this “sacrifice” of the next eighteen months will only strengthen my skills and abilities as I enter the field of education after my mission is over.

When Elder Christofferson talked about putting God before worldly desires and pursuits, he clarified that: “This is not to say that we should not seek to succeed, even excel, in worthy endeavors, including education and honorable work. Certainly, worthwhile achievements are laudable. But if we are to save our lives, we must always remember that such attainments are not ends in themselves but means to a higher end. With our faith in Christ, we must see political, business, academic, and similar forms of success not as defining us but as making possible our service to God and fellow man – beginning at home and extending as far as possible in the world. Personal development has value as it contributes to development of a Christlike character. In measuring success, we recognize the profound truth underlying all else – that our lives belong to God, our Heavenly Father; and to Jesus Christ, our Redeemer. Success means living in harmony with Their will.”

I’m still dramatic. I’m still ambitious. I still have dreams and goals that I am chasing. But what I have come to realize is that while chasing these dreams can be a virtue, it becomes a vice when those dreams become more important than what the Lord has in store for you. And I promise you that what the Lord has in store for you is greater than anything you could imagine for yourself. He has given me life, love, happiness, confidence, success, knowledge, and faith, and I know He will give me so much more. The least I can do is give eighteen months of my life to Him – and the truth is that I know I will receive so much more than I am able to give as a missionary, because the Lord blesses those who serve Him with blessings that overflow.

If I leave you with nothing else, I want you to know that I know. I know with all my heart that this church is true. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I know that our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, died for us on the cross, and that he rose again that we may all have immortality and eternal life. There is not a doubt in my entire being - I know He lives.

a mortal sacrifice for an immortal reward

Today, while doing my scripture study on the train into the city, I read about when Nephi fled from his brethren after their father died, because the Lord warned him Laman and Lemuel would try to take his life. The scriptures say that he took with him his family, Sam's, Zoram's, his sisters, and "all those who would go with [him]" (2 Nephi 5:6).

I think sometimes we assume that each and every descendant of Laman and Lemuel was wicked. But as I read this verse today, it occurred to me that that may not be the case. It is very possible - and I would say probably likely - that some of their children received a knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel despite their parents' wickedness. They were living among Nephi, Sam, and other righteous giants, after all.

And as I continued to reflect upon this, I was reminded of Lehi's dying words to the children of his two eldest, his blessing that their parents would bear the pain of their sins for not having raised them in righteousness. And I have to think that at least some of those children were old enough to recognize the warning, to recognize that there was something wrong with the way they were being taught, and seek guidance and knowledge from their relatives who were strong in spirit.

It must have been so difficult for these children of Laman and Lemuel to leave their families, to fight against them in the "many contentions" they had, but - if there were, indeed, children of these two eldest who left with Nephi - they knew the truth, and they knew that their eternal salvation was at stake.

We cannot, for one second, be complacent in our circumstances if our circumstances are drawing us away from the Lord. The people we surround ourselves with have a great effect upon us, and it is imperative we choose to surround ourselves with those who choose righteously and who will support and uplift us.

This all reminded me of the second article of faith: "We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression."

The sins of our fathers are not our own. We can choose to live righteously, and our choices are ultimately what is going to determine our happiness on earth and our everlasting salvation or condemnation. 

strength from the lord

Those of you who know me know that I made the decision to undergo Gastric Bypass Surgery, and had the surgery on January 5th, 2015. To give you an idea of exactly what that entails, here's a graphic:

Basically, what they did was create a small pouch - a new stomach, if you will - and reroute part of my intestine to it. There is a whole part of the digestive process that is being bypassed, and I can eat MUCH less than I could before. In the beginning, it shocked me how quickly food would fill me up.

But though I've shared some of my results (80 pounds gone!) on Facebook and with friends, I've never actually shared the story of my experiences leading up to and immediately after my surgery. It's a story that needs to be told, and it's a story of faith.

***

Getting all my materials together for the surgery proved to be a bit of a challenge. Though I made all the necessary appointments and got it all together as quickly as I could, once I submitted it to the insurance expert associated with the surgeon who was performing my surgery, I was on pins and needles waiting for any word, waiting for the insurance company to approve the procedure.

Just before New Years, we received a call from the insurance. They told me that our family plan didn't cover this procedure. Now, I'd done the proper research - I'd called before and looked into it at least three times, and I'd read through the policy. But they were adamant that there must have been a mistake.

Needless to say, I was devastated. There were a lot of phone calls between us, the insurance, and the surgeon's office, going back and forth, trying to resolve the issue. There was also a lot of time spent on my knees. I couldn't understand why this was happening, since I'd already prayed about the decision to have the surgery and received the answer that I should go through with it.

At first, I was even a little angry. And very frustrated. It didn't help that this was all happening around the holidays, because many of the people we needed to talk to weren't working. My surgery was in four days, and we didn't even know if it was going to happen.

But I had to let go of that anxiety and frustration that I felt, because as I mentioned in yesterday's post, I was scheduled for my endowment at the Manhattan temple on January 2nd. After calming myself down, and spending much more time on my knees, I left it in the Lord's hand. I turned my will over to Him - and accepted that I might not be able to have the surgery after all, but that in the end it would be what the Lord knew was best for me.

Going through the temple was such a special experience, and because I'd let go of that frustration, I was able to focus on the spirit of that holy place. I felt the peace that comes with feeling the spirit of the Lord, and felt that confirmation that, yes, things would work out the way they were supposed to.

That afternoon, I received a phone call from the insurance. There had apparently been a miscommunication, and the procedure was included in our family plan after all. They gave me the green light to go ahead and have the surgery.

It doesn't seem at all coincidental to be that things weren't resolved until after I turned the matter over to the Lord and put my trust in Him. But the story doesn't stop there.

I was - understandably - nervous the morning of my surgery. My heart was pounding with that combination of apprehension and excitement. As I was being wheeled into the operation room, I knew this was it. They put the mask on my face and told me to start counting back from ten, and my last conscious thought was that there was no turning back.

When I woke up, I was in the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. Everything was confusing, and I just wanted the pain to stop. I kept trying to turn over onto my stomach, and the nurses were reminding me that I couldn't, that I'd just had major surgery. I found out later that the majority of the pain wasn't from the incisions themselves, but from the gas that was filling my stomach as a result of the procedure.

Not. Fun.

Quickly, they were able to start pumping pain killers into me through my IV, and I started to relax. I wasn't comfortable by any means, but the pain became much more bearable, and the panic I was feeling started to ebb away.

Soon, my parents were able to come in and join me. And not long after that, I was being prompted to get up out of the bed and start walking around the halls. I'd been told even before the procedure that the sooner I started walking afterwards, the faster I would recover. I took this advice seriously, and at least once an hour I got up and walked around.

As the day wore on, I thought to myself, "I can do this. This isn't so bad. It's not as bad as I was expecting." And it was true ... until the next day.

The next day, early in the morning, the nurses came in and stopped the fluids and pain killers I'd been getting through my IV. I hadn't realized just how much of a difference it was making until I didn't have it anymore. They tried giving me pills to take, but the pills made me nauseous, and I decided I'd rather be in pain than throwing up all the time. I kept thinking, "Why did I do this to myself?"

I was miserable.

That night, it was impossible to sleep. My dad came to check up on me, and I asked him for a blessing, which he gave. I then asked him to read the scriptures to me, and as he did, I was finally able to fall asleep, even if it was only for a little while.

The next day, though I was still in a lot of pain and discomfort that seemed never-ending, I was thankful that I would be able to go home. There was so much comfort in not being in a hospital room anymore, in being able to sleep in my own bed (even if it was difficult to get in and out of it).

But the first thing I did when I got home was go downstairs (albeit very carefully and slowly) to my room in the basement so I could change my clothes. When I'd left the morning of my surgery, I'd naturally been unable to wear my garments - they were cutting open my stomach, after all. So the very first thing I did when I got home was put them back on.

Almost instantaneously, I felt a huge amount of relief from the pain. It caused me to pause and let out a sob. I remembered being taught and reading that the garment was a source of both spiritual and physical protection and strength, but in that moment, I experienced the physical end of it first-hand. Though there was still pain and discomfort, it was significantly lessened, and my ability to bear it became much stronger.

It was my own little miracle.

***

There is no doubt in my mind that, through this whole process, I have received strength from the Lord. He has had compassion on me and helped me in this trial, and turned it into an immense blessing. I'll probably discuss some of the ways He's blessed me in another post.

I know that the power we can gain from the Lord isn't just metaphorical. It's tangible. It's real. And it is a demonstration of His love for us.

i'm going there someday

Anyone who went to primary in the church knows the song "I Love to See the Temple." As a child, it was one of my favorites. We lived in Utah at the time, and every time we saw a temple while we were out driving (which was a lot, because ... well, it's Utah) I would start singing the song.

"I love to see the temple

I'm going there someday

To feel the Holy Spirit

To listen and to pray

For the temple is a holy place

A place of love and beauty

I'll prepare myself while I am young

This is my sacred duty."

And I did prepare myself. Throughout the years, no matter what trials came my way, I always had this goal ahead of me: to get to the temple. And on January 2nd, 2015, I was endowed in the Manhattan temple.

Goal achieved, right? Well, if there's one thing I've learned in the past nine months, it's that it's not about getting to the temple - it's about going to the temple. Regularly. Renewing and reminding yourself of those covenants. And constantly living your life worthy of that little card in your wallet.

We need to constantly be preparing ourselves. It's not enough to just prepare once. Having the proper spirit with us when we enter the Lord's house is paramount, and it may mean that we need to rethink certain habits we've fallen into. What could keep the spirit from being with me? What could distract me from the purpose of temple work? What, if anything, do I need to change?

I've found myself re-evaluating myself and my choices over the past couple of months, and recommitting myself to temple work and service. It is such a blessing to be so close to a temple and be able to go as often as I wish, especially since I commute into the city for school. This semester, I've made a goal for myself to attend the temple weekly, and to always have it on my mind.

I want to keep with me the spirit of that song, the spirit I felt when I was little. The wonder and love of that place. It is just as wondrous now as it was when I was little, and I know that though I've been there, I still have so much to learn. I want to pursue that knowledge relentlessly and with determination, so that I can return to the presence of my Heavenly Father.

He is the Gift

unanswered prayers

Something that I think everyone struggles with at one point or another is unanswered prayers. It's especially hard when we have a righteous desire and are trying to follow the spirit, but for some reason keep hitting road blocks along the way. It starts to seem impossible that we will ever reach our destination. 

 I've experienced this sensation multiple times in my life, and believe me, I know how frustrating it can be. I've decided to share a story with you of one of my biggest struggles with unanswered prayers, and I hope that by the end of it, you can see a light at the end of the tunnel for your own journey. 

 *** 

 My high school drama teacher really inspired me, and I felt the spirit telling me pretty early on that I was going to be a drama teacher myself one day. This desire grew with every passing year. 

 So naturally, following the spirit like a good LDS girl, I found out what I needed to do to get into the Theatre Education program here at BYU and got right on it. When it came time to apply, I spent every hour of every day working on that application, planning lesson plans, reading the textbooks cover to cover - not only did I want to get accepted, but I was loving each and every minute of it and just getting more excited to get accepted into the program. 

 Lo and behold, when decisions were sent out, I had been rejected. I met with the program advisors to try to figure out where I went wrong, what I could do better, anything like that. They were really very vague, and I eventually found out that it didn't have much to do with my application and everything to do with a bias against me. One of the women I talked to even went so far as to try to tell me she'd received revelation for me and that I needed to choose a different major. 

 Well, I was frustrated, but undeterred. I worked on my next application for over a year. I sought help and advice every chance I could from both professors and students. I specifically planned my course schedule so that all the classes I was taking would apply toward the theatre education major. The program wasn't getting enough applicants, so they were advertising the major, and I thought I would FOR SURE get accepted this time, since I OBVIOUSLY wanted to be there. 

 Wrong. 

 The whole situation caused me a LOT of frustration and anger. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I'd prayed about it a million times it seemed like, and I kept getting the answer that I was supposed to be a drama teacher, just like I knew I was. I looked into alternative licensing options, but all the time I was confused why the Lord wasn't just letting me into the program. I mean, I was definitely doing my part! There was nothing else I could do! 

 Last fall, it became painfully clear that there was no way of me getting accepted into the program now. I was going to graduate with a theatre arts studies degree, and would have to find some other way of getting certified. 

As I looked into the different options, I decided to entertain the thought of grad school. I'd never really taken that idea seriously before, because I didn't think I needed it and because, frankly, I didn't think I could get into a decent grad school with my grades. But I went ahead and looked and found two programs in New York that got me excited. One was at the City College of New York (CCNY) and one was at NYU. Both programs would get me a teaching license in theatre for the state of New York, and it would be a masters degree. 

 When I called up the different schools, one of the questions I asked was "What is the average undergraduate GPA of your incoming graduate students?" NYU said that theirs was a 3.5, but they occasionally considered lower GPAs. I basically wrote them off at that point. CCNY said that it was a 2.7, so I thought, "Score! Maybe I can get into a masters program after all!" 

 I went ahead and applied to both, though I had absolutely no expectation of getting into NYU. Imagine my surprise when NYU was the first to respond to my application, with the word "Congratulations!" written at the top of the email. 

 I couldn't breathe. There was absolutely no reason I should have been accepted to that program! 

I couldn't even describe my shock. I was also accepted to CCNY, and I traveled out to New York to visit both schools over General Conference weekend and make my final decision. I was so intimidated and scared at the prospect of being an NYU student. But from the minute I walked on to CCNY's campus, it was utterly clear that I was not supposed to be there. And the closer I got to the welcome reception at NYU, the more I felt the spirit surround me. As I was about to enter the building, I heard the words in my mind, "Why do you think I helped you get in?" 

 So, feeling incredibly blessed and WAY more excited than when I get accepted to BYU, I accepted their offer of admission. I will be starting at NYU in September as a candidate for a Masters in Educational Theatre with certification in theatre, all grades and English, grades 7-12. Two years from now, I will have my teaching license. 

 After all of this happened, I sat back and looked at the last four years. And on looking back, I realized something: if I had been accepted into the Theatre Ed program while here at BYU, I never would have even thought about getting a master's degree. I would have graduated and immediately gotten a job, not once second guessing my decision.  But it is so clear to me that NYU is where I'm supposed to be and that I have SO much more to learn. And now, I'm even considering getting a Ph.D. sometime in the future. 

Heavenly Father knew that I would never have opened that door for myself if I wasn't pushed, so He pushed me. 

 *** 

 It's awful to hear someone say things like "you'll understand later" or "just be patient." Trust me, I know. But I also know that the Lord does have a plan for each and every one of us. I didn't recognize what was happening in the moment, and it happened so quickly that I almost didn't even register it afterwards. But I know that the Lord is there for me, and I know He's there for you. 

 Your prayers have not gone unheard, no matter how much it might seem that way. You may need to exercise patience, but He will answer them. Of this I have no doubt.